Parents, Let’s Invest In Appreciation!

“It is strange that sword and words have the same letters, even more, strange is that they have the same effect if not handled properly” –Anonymous

As parents, you love to see your kids grow up in the right way, with the right manners and the right behaviour. Our children learn their first lessons in life from us. We as parents are their first gurus. We aim at teaching our kids everything. And to make them the best version of themselves, we have to correct them when they make mistakes. Usually, parents do it by pointing out their errors, to make them realise that what they did is wrong and how they need to improve on it.

But, have you ever realised that it might bring out a negative side to it?

We want our children to listen to our advice, and accept them wholeheartedly. But that’s not the case all the time. Children, especially teens, tend to act out when challenged and do exactly the opposite, to fulfill their whims and fancies. They don’t listen to what you say or maybe don’t even follow your instructions.

This situation definitely irks you. Isn’t it? So, what would you do in such situations? Shout at them or get angry? That’s the normal reaction…

But, is that the right thing to do? Well, it isn’t. Your frustration comes from the improper dealings. In anger, it is very easy to lash out. Because, when your ego gets hurt, your emotions are vulnerable. This is a result of the poor communication with the other person, and in this case they are our children. It may happen that your body language, certain actions or words may hurt our child’s sentiments.

Now if you think that in this case should we always speak about things that don’t upset the other person and be nice irrespective of the situation? That also does not seem right, because life will become calculative for you then instead of being natural.

Yes, you might be wondering if avoiding a confrontation is the key, or being nice to your children all the time would help. It is not. Because it will set a wrong standard and your kids will not respect your authority. So, what to do in such scenarios?

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5 reasons why you shouldn’t hit your child

Don’t answer back, else I’ll give you a tight slap!

This has been the standard reaction from parents towards their children, when they respond back with denial or defy their advice and ideas. What parents from that generation never understood is that this style of disciplining can have serious effects on their children for the longest time.

A study on Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children published in the Journal of American Academy of Pediatrics further states that physical punishment is linked to an increased risk of negative behavioural, cognitive, psychosocial, and emotional outcomes for children.

Let’s look at why corporal punishment, or hitting children to discipline them is not the right way, and some words of advice from Ahmedabad’s best parent counsellor at We Positive Parenting

a) Corporal punishment weakens the bond between the parent & child

Hitting a child will never teach that the road they are on is unsafe. It instead plants the seed in their mind that the person hitting them is unsafe to be with. This is one of the reasons why children who were brought up with corporate punishment start distancing themselves from their parents as they grow up.

It is human nature to dislike someone who hurts. Hence, when a parent hits their child, it drives an emotional wedge between them. The practice may look like it’s working on the child. But it only produces superficial good behaviour in the child, which is born out of fear. When parents showcase their authority on the basis of fear, the child tends to lose respect for them.

On the other hand, a bond based on love, respect and empathy grows stronger with time.

b) It makes children more aggressive

The Bandura’s Bobo doll experiment conducted to study the Impact of observed violence on children’s behaviour showed that children imitate or copy the aggressive behaviour of adults around them. If they see an adult acting aggressively, they are likely to act aggressively even when the adult model is not present. This means, when parents hit their child, the child can become a hitter eventually. Moreover, when kids or teenagers are not able to get even with their parents, they take their aggression out on others.

Hence, it is important for parents to set an example of empathy, towards them and others, in front of their kids.

c) It harms the self-esteem of the children

“Stop crying or I’ll hit you again”.

When children hear such comments from their parents, they tend to feel helpless. Their self-worth is damaged by the actions of their parents as they feel like their cries for help are being ignored and they are being humiliated by the people who are supposed to love and protect them. They not only feel betrayed but also feel like they don’t have any control over their own life.

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Step parenting, the one where it takes more than two to tango

Just when we thought parenting is the toughest job in the world, imagine the situation of a step-parent. It is a complicated endeavour to step into a family that already established its roles, and to develop a bond that’s already fraught with either non-acceptance or disenchantment from the other members of the family and especially the children. A step-parent is already starting on the back-foot and it could be scary, tricky and at times also infuriating.

But it also means to have a second shot at love, acceptance and family life. A family with a step parent and step children can lead a harmonious life when all the stakeholders play their part with empathy and respect. Here’s how…

Blurring old boundaries and building new bonds

When a new spouse enters the picture, they must create a sense of openness, to accept new things, new challenges and of course the new members of his/her family. It is important to develop a warm, friendly communication with the children of their partners. This can be done by showing interest in their lives, their interests and their needs.

This will be possible when the biological parent in the family acts as the bridge between the children and the new spouse. They help calm the frayed nerves, clear the confusions, fill the gaps in communication and build a common ground. It has to be a combined effort from both the partners, keeping in mind the overall wellbeing of the child.

And in cases of remarriage, it is advisable that the new spouse build a healthy relationship with the former partner. This, because children are hardwired to lean towards their biological parents for their needs. So, alienating them from their lives would be detrimental to the new relationship.

Establishing respect and admiration for each other

Another important factor to ensure a smooth transition of the new spouse into the family is to establish respect for each other, between the parent and the child. The new partner should respect the boundaries of the child, make efforts in being present in their lives, but not being intrusive. Yes, it is tough in the beginning, but with time and practice, the mutual admiration will only blossom.

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6 Tips for Parents of Children with Special Needs

The birth of a child brings joy into the lives of the parents and their families. But not every child is born in the healthiest form. They require special needs, attention and care while growing up, and a large majority of parents in India do not have the knowledge or the resources for it.

Our qualified parenting counsellors in Ahmedabad at We Positive Parenting understand these challenges and have come up with a list of 6 tips for parents with children requiring special needs, to help them in their upbringing and make their lives easier and harmonious.

1. Ask for help

You may have heard it, but it is worth repeating. ‘Asking for help does not mean you are weak’. Rather than struggling to figure out your child’s special needs all by yourself, seek help. Open up and talk about it to gather more and more information. There are high chances of you realising that your parenting techniques were right all along, but all you just needed more information on it and some support to sail through.

And the best way to get started is by seeking help from a parenting counsellor or guide. They are equipped with the knowledge, experience and resources to help you and your child.

2. Join support groups

We know, it gets frustrating, when people with absolutely no idea about your struggles as a parent of a special needs child start giving you advice on how to do parenting.

Knowledge grows when knowledge is shared. And challenges become easier to achieve when they’re shared with like-minded people. We always encourage parents with special needs to be part of various support groups where other parents with similar challenges and struggles come together.

Joining such groups or communities will make you realise that other people are also walking the same path as you. This will help you discover their coping strategies and new resources. Moreover, you will also get support from other parents who ‘actually get it’ and learn how to seek hope and strength by their stories.

You can feel free to get in touch with our parent counsellors at We Positive Parenting to know about such groups for parenting in Ahmedabad or in your city of residence.

3. Take breaks

Taking a break does not mean you do not care for your child. Your body just needs to take rest regularly as mental exhaustion is a thing. Don’t over work yourself and give yourself a chance to recuperate. Be it drinking coffee in silence, be it reading a book or be it just lying down to rest. Recharge yourself by doing what you like.

You can even put your child in a stroller or wheelchair and take a walk with a friend. Both you and also your kid will benefit from the change of the scenery. And it gets refreshing to break away from the monotony of you everyday tasks

The parenting guides at We Positive Parenting have also created special programmes to help parents of children with special needs to learn how to deal with stress and the additional responsibilities.

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